so this happened
that better be church wine
me trying to do math is like me trying to lose weight, it just doesnt work out
scientists could scour the arctic for decades and never find anything colder than this
Meet Officer Go Fuck Yourself
A police officer in Ferguson pointed his assault rifle at journalists who were streaming the protests, saying “I will fucking kill you”.
When asked his name his reply is “Go fuck yourself”.
Someone has decided this deserves a Twitter account.
if i have a daughter im going to name her lizard and then she’ll get the nickname liz and everyone will be like “oh is it short for elizabeth?” and she will have to say “no my name is lizard”
you ever get in those moods where a family member just opens their mouth and youre like
whenever somebody says like “so what did you do today?” just look off into the distance and say “the right thing”
Then stare right into their eyes and say, “I hope”
ill take the one in red
walking out of a bathroom with no hand dryers like
I’ll cry at my wedding because it’s a miracle it’s happening